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M.A.S.S.

 
The Anti-Honor Society

M.A.S.S. stands for Modern Academic Slacker Society. It also conveniently stands for Matt, Amy, Sarah, and Shayna; the four members.
 
Since Matt is not a very active member, we tend to drop his name and be the A.S.S., which is also entirely appropriate since slacking is not only a modern phenomenon. Paul wrote to the church of the Thessalonians in 51 A.D., "We hear that some among you are idle." And the book of Proverbs, written around 450 B.C., says "How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?" It is believed that the writer had a vision of a certain college freshman sleeping through every chemistry class her first semester, and wrote the words directly to her.
 
The tenets of the National Honor Society are Scholarship, Leadership, Character, and Service. Demonstrating complete opposition, the four tenets of the M.A.S.S. are Apathy, Procrastination, Malevolence, and Dysfunction. Each member of the M.A.S.S. embodies one of these admirable traits, creating a well-rounded society.
 
Apathy - when we asked Matt to be in our anti-honor society, he said "I don't care." Apathy at its finest!
 
Procrastination - Amy set impressive world records for procrastination. She was known to be strategically sick on days of major exams and papers due. Amy's first period teacher fainted when Amy actually came in on time. Her punctual arrival was not intentional, of course; she had forgotten to set her clock back for Daylight Savings. Amy frequenly received comments on major long term assignments such as, "this would be an excellent college paper... if it was due the day after it was assigned." She would often stay up all night, diligently finishing the assignments due yesterday, then fall asleep in American Government class, missing the next day's assignment. Amy graduated with high honors, and is an inspiration to procrastinators everywhere.
 
Malevolence - behind the facade of the innocent little teacher's pet, Shayna's soul broils over with a livid cauldron of malevolence. Under the alias "Habib," she hatched satanic plots with cohorts "Abu" and "Punjab," whose real identities are not yet known. FBI agents suspect Shayna is linked to an underground anarchist organization led by the Avenging Penguin of Doom. It is rumored that by night Shayna, like the mystical werewolf, transforms into an evil leprechaun and wreaks havoc on the world. Others contend that no transformation occurs because she is an evil leprechaun by day as well. The M.A.S.S. is pleased to have the personification of malevolence as one of its distinguished members.
 
Dysfunction - as a small child, Sarah once encountered a real black hole in her Astronaut Barbie Space Station Play Set. Her close encounter with the bizarre radiation caused her neurons to reverse polarity, resulting in enhanced intelligence and a completely backwards way of thinking. She spent countless hours replacing song lyrics such as "you and me baby ain't nothin but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel" with, "Sarah's new PJs are blue and green flannel, with pictures of the desert and of breakdancing camels." Any doubt on Sarah's dysfunctionality can be dispelled when one considers the fact that anyone who insists on wearing inflatable antlers around school the entire day simply cannot be normal.